I can run fast, decades can pass–still she still haunts me, not through her volition, but through the ghosts I’ve made; my own unrelenting link to her. Vibrating ethereal platinum in a sea of bronze. None graze the euphoric daze she sparked in me. That force she birthed, frightened me, and through my self-assessed inadequacy, I lost her, but the spark she made remains. No new friend or lover has marred it. No failure or success has loosened its embedding. I don’t know, if I ever found someone capable of creating another such ethereal link that I’d want it. Perhaps I would. Alas after so many years, neither rust nor degradation has weakened my link to her.

She has moved onto new dances, and while I’ve transformed into newer versions of myself, that link, that chain persistently remains. Memories relived become more vibrant, twist the past into impossible worlds, and while the core is indeed fact, time and that constant gandering, create illusions of even grander events, the link becomes denser, cladened in precious stones, and no one else I’ve met has gifted me a new spark, a glimpse into something beyond the mundane. Instead, time’s deepening, forges new accending conceptualizations of the meaning of her iridescent starlight.

Perhaps, it is fitting that I don’t find another, perhaps, it would devolve me into stagnation. Artistic progress would crumble, my interests in story telling would become not but self-indulgence, and nothing of substantiality can ever be cultivated by staring into a mirror. Even still, the desire for her, which can never be fulfilled will subsist. Beyond just the ‘feeling’ with which she enlivened my body, I miss her. I miss every aspect of her. But, there is nothing I can do, but deepen my artistic exploration, in hope that I uncover some hidden truth that mightn’t exist. An inarticulative truth that I have sought for beyond recollection, which won’t alleviate my bridge to her, but might afford me some glimpse into consciousness beyond my singular self. Something close to what she created within me.


Continual Impasses

Rant/Thoughts/Lack of Forethought and Consideration/Connected But Less Than Premeditated 

A fret is deepening; rotting my fortitude. I’m not wealthy, and by not wealthy, I sincerely mean it. I’m not certainly impoverished enough to be homeless, but certainly not well-off enough that I can spend 2,500$ on a copy-editor to self-publish my book. I mean, maybe I could, if I forwent my bills, rent, food, health, etc. Not advisable. Considering, most who self-publish–even who traditionally publish, see usually monetarily fruitless results.hon.gif

Thus, I’m left at an impasse, whilst a choir of strangers of truly uninterested, but well-meaning persons encourage me to publish my book, that ‘it’s really good’ (From the Well-Meaning Persons, the strangers couldn’t care less), but, in either circumstance, I’ve been unable to see results. With the self-publishing being nigh-impossible due to a lack of spendable income to use on a copy-editor, and to not do so would be ‘an affront’ upon all that is literary. A true monster, uncaring about their work that has been sitting on their hard-drive for two years, routinely getting upgrades and repainted whilst progressless endeavors are carried out.

My work will probably not be ‘marketable’ in the same way as most mainstream books are. This is not boastful, neither is it vilifying nor trivializing the ‘marketable’ works, it’s merely stating the obvious, the Grand Order does not contain (as self-perceived) the supports or superstructure that would appeal to most persons. A niche audience may be viable, but for a publishing house this is typically uninteresting (so I’ve come to understand/been told). Since trade publishers are looking for a work that will sell, so they can make money, to keep themselves afloat, works that are niche do not fall under their umbrella of viable merchandise.

Barring the fact that most trade publishers will probably change the title, and decide on what the cover art will be and who will be it’s creator, with the author left wayside to observe them powdering it, and guiding the surgery of the book’s contents; trade-publishing sounded appealing to me for the fact that I’m poor, and thus, despite their destruction of my artistic vision to suit marketability, they’d ensure I wouldn’t be held back by my financial deficiency.  This however, (While maybe a mirage created through rejection) seems to be an improbable end-point, not out of the notion of ‘most people are rejected’ bit, but that my book hasn’t in it an adequate girth of sellable architecture.

If this is the case, and the Grand Order is an unsellable work to a wide enough audience, and if I cannot afford a copy-editor, and am pressured enough to disband from any further venture due to ‘poor quality’, ‘dispassionate author’ assertions from critics that may render my book diced and scorched post self-publishing, then my book may continue to stale on my computer; explorative potential deadened.


Continual Impasses


There’s a photograph I have. Framed and now tucked away. Memories frequented for comfort, of a relationship that dissipated; fluttering ’till absence as I watched weakening, my tongue and heart misplaced, imprisoned by another. I enjoy imagining it was apathy, but the truth is less removed, and I lost her, the only person that I felt could know me. As the years continued to accumulate, without my say, I was torn apart in various ways. Apathy was born, it helped me disassociate, to try and futilely forget her iridescent self.




Music and Ambience to Enhance Creativity

Storm Bitc

“… take your time”


In order to survive, to nourish my fortitude so I might complete my artistic endeavors I use a wide array of music and ambience in order to facilitate inspiration. I feel, that through tempering the psychic atmosphere with music befitting your work (or just something you enjoy), not only is one’s productivity increased, but, it sets an artist’s mind in a dimension that will create and discover unique percepectives. Such as, with the right music, a scary scene might be described in ways you didn’t think of without the use of scary ambience. More than anything, to cultivate exemplar narrative and dimension of all aspects within fiction, it requires time, patience, introspection, and passion. So take your time (within reason of course, if under time constraints such as a contract deadline)

I also find that ASMR, though, not my immediate recommendation (as it relaxes/makes one drowsy), it too is a source of relaxing, which means a more fluid and a less distracted mind. I have numerous playlists, most of which are a mix of different musics, as I’m inept/impatient at specifically organizing music befitting certain tones or scenes in my manuscripts.


However, when I was working on my voice-actorless audio book, I did do rewrite through not only by meditating on the scenes but too the music I chose, and the sound-effects I cobbled together. They inspired me to increase detailing here and there, or alter things slightly as the imagery I created through sound and music was richer than it’s earlier form.46d8487370b10fe5c797922c14edc428c791a141_hq

I absolutely recommend using music, ambience, and if stressed, asmr. There are caches of resource on youtube alone, and while this might appear to be an elementary methodology, I myself don’t believe I used the right kind of music for scene setting growing up, nor did I consider ambience as a source of tempering. So, perchance I’m not special, and others too caren’t to consider this method. Hopefully, they might if they are having some creative stagnation.

Much luck to all your creative endeavors.

Music and Ambience to Enhance Creativity

Voice-Actorless Audio-book

drama baby.gif

A friend of mine, or, to be honest, many friends of mine, find themselves too busy to read books. Too many find it difficult for numerous reasons, so, I took it upon myself for that reason, and morbid curiosity as to how fast I can abrade my sanity, to use the speech-function, some sound effects, ambiance and music to create ‘audio-books’.

None of it to sell, (it’d do terribly…), but, I finally was able to get feedback from my best friend, and his reactions make it worthwhile. Moreover, I found myself actually revising sections of my book as I’ve made audio versions of the Grand Order’s chapters. So far five complete, and partially the sixth.

In a way, I’ve forbidden myself from doing things for fun. Be it writing, music mixing, art, or these audio-books. Unless some action I do has some sort of work or social connection I tend to view it as a ‘waste of time’. I think, this sort of trivialization of fun, and I mean true fun, not something to do to make one more productive, increase social status, romance someone, etc–but true fun, for oneself, that has no ulterior motive, is difficult for me to do.

Fulfilling my compulsion to always have a ‘reason’ for doing something, making these ‘audio-books’ does inspire me to perhaps create audio-dramas of my books at some point if the planets align.



Voice-Actorless Audio-book

So Much Writing…

“So little of me considered myself competent enough, (or haphazardly bumbling enough) to find myself in creative writing”


Between school, blogging and writing/editing my manuscript(s), I’ve found myself more drenched in English language than I thought could be possible. Speaking of which, 日本語の新しい単語と文化を勉強するのことが必要だと思う。I’ve been neglecting my Japanese studies, though this could be result of course compression thanks to Summer Semester. My intermediate composition parallel to my Buddhism class have been quite distracting, and unfortunately for Japanese study, it’s not quite as relaxing as drawing anime characters or playing Overwatch.

Best Reason to Play Overwatch * – *

So little of me considered myself competent enough, (or haphazardly bumbling enough) to find myself in creative writing. There is this ambivalence of ‘should I’ or ‘shouldn’t I’  to continue to keep going on with this. To persevere through the numerous failures. There is no financial benefit for writing for me. Perhaps the only thing that keeps me orbiting this art is the desire to write.

If left to my own devices, either I will write or I will draw. I may do other things like play video-games, listen to music, or other less ‘appropriate things’, but I will most certainty, eventually, create art for introspective purpose, joy, and entertainment in artistic creation.


I know, I’m going to still continue with my uncertainty no matter how many times I reassure myself of the validity of my reasons for writing and drawing.


So Much Writing…

Cynicism through Stagnation

I’ve continued the process of rewriting, editing, contemplating my manuscript, and my query letters, yet I’ve noticed this developing perception, a cynical eye toward other works. Such as: “Ugh, look at these cringy praises, the new TV show looks pretentious as hell” etc. Or a ‘threatened’ view of works similar to my own in tone or topic. While there are certainly works that I feel I honestly believe are self-indulgent or poor, irrespective of my short-comings, some of these perceptions I’m certain, are the result of envy.



Perchance, due to my recognition of this, I can be mindful of these useless thoughts that serve only to alienate me from creative works. Such putrid and self-indulgent thoughts (if left unchecked) may well transform me into a haggard creature, lingering in damp caves, potentially idolizing my work, and ceasing any sort of rewriting of construction of new stories. I hope this never comes to pass, and I can slay this occasionally manifesting, unsettling burn.


Cynicism through Stagnation